Why do you behave that way? Why are you so defensive? Why can’t you just believe that I love you? What is wrong with you that you won’t LET me love you? Why do you think the worst?
These are all questions I was faced with in my marriage. I recognized these questions had become a theme in our arguments, our fights, my personal battles. Every time… the same conclusions. Why did it take me so long to see the pattern?
Have you ever seen those movies where someone is in the ER, receiving CPR, and they die? Their spirit leaves their body, and they watch themselves from above, lying on the table, having an out-of-body experience. That describes how I felt—many times. It was like I was watching myself sabotage and self-destruct, hurting people I love, feeling completely powerless to stop it. I’d think, “Annie, just stop!” But I couldn’t – or maybe more truthfully, I wouldn’t.
I knew I was a mess, but I had a hard time pinpointing what was wrong… and if you don’t know what is wrong, how can you begin to fix it? Where do I begin? See? I was helpless!
But that wasn’t true. I wasn’t helpless. I am never helpless. No one is responsible for my life except for me. No one is capable of changing me except, well, me. No one else can fix my thoughts, bad habits, and life responses. The ball is always in my court. I CAN change and choose to heal. What does it require? It requires the simplest answer, yet one of the most difficult answers to swallow… It requires me to DIE to me.
Why was it so effortless for God to form Adam in the beginning? Because Adam was dead. God shaped him without struggle and then breathed life into him (Genesis 2:7).
I realized I needed to let go of me—of what I wanted or didn’t want. I didn’t want to feel uncomfortable, sad, hurt, or admit that I was wrong. I wanted to always be right and feel like I didn’t need to change. But that’s not real. I had to let go of my desires and surrender to what is right. The word we want to avoid is “DIE.” Jesus says it best:
“Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. If anyone serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there will my servant be also. If anyone serves me, the Father will honor him.” – John 12:24-26 ESV
People often resist healing and change because it can trigger fear of the unknown, discomfort with leaving familiar routines, a sense of loss of control, and the potential to confront painful emotions associated with the change, essentially preferring the stability of the status quo. Our FLESH wants to be ALIVE and well; even if it’s not healthy or ideal, IT’s COMFORTABLE.
But is comfort worth it?
“Your comfort in a relationship becomes destructive when you prioritize your own ease and avoid addressing issues, confronting uncomfortable conversations, or making necessary changes, leading to stagnation, resentment, and ultimately harming the overall health of the partnership.”
– Google Ai.😅
WHAT AM I NOT TALKING ABOUT?
I am talking about YOU, avoiding dealing with YOU. You don’t want to feel uncomfortable or do the hard work of healing. You don’t want to work to renew your mind. You don’t want to deal with why you think the way you think, even though you KNOW it is not right. You are broken and would rather remain broken than heal, regardless of the consequences. In other words… you don’t want to die but would rather hang on to your life.
But Jesus warns us, “Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.”
This way of living can only get you so far. Marriages can function like this for years. But eventually, it stops working. You see this in families over the holidays… everyone playing their part and avoiding any drama to keep the peace over the Christmas season until everyone goes back to their normal lives of disfunction.
I had to come to terms with the fact that my unwillingness to deal with my own brokenness and sin was going to affect the people I loved the very most. I asked myself, “IS IT WORTH IT?”
What does me ‘winning’ look like? I get my way to stay the same… everyone off my back… I get to be left alone and not pressured to do what is right. But what is the result of me winning?
A spouse burnt out, hardened, or cold? A marriage distant or boiling just under the surface waiting to erupt? An unforgiving and bitter heart? A roommate marriage instead of one of intimacy and support? And I don’t think I have to say that our children will follow suit and be affected and/or copy our habits and broken patterns of thinking. Me ‘winning’ looked like me ruining a lot of important relationships and people along the way.
“Whoever loves his life (ME WINNING) loses it, and whoever hates his life (ME DYING TO MYSELF) in this world will keep it for eternal life.” – Jesus and Annie
IS IT WORTH IT?
Do you have the courage to die to yourself? Do you love Jesus more than yourself? Do you love Him enough to do what is right?
It takes copious amounts of courage and determination to get to the bottom of why you are the way you are. But it can be done. By renewing your mind, admitting you must change, getting the outside help you need, and seeking Jesus through it all, you can come to a place where you can have peace within yourself, with others, and with the Lord.
Sadly, I find that most people don’t truly want to change or die to themselves; they don’t have the courage to see it through. As soon as it gets hard or costs them something, they quit. They continue in their behavior of blaming someone else for their lives. We like to say, “Then quit, quitter.” I hope it’s worth it.
But that is not for you. Because I know YOU AIN’T NO QUITTER. YOU, my darlings, are overcomers. You want to be healed and use your traumas and dramas to become BETTER. To learn and grow, to have experience, compassion, and the ability to handle life in order to better fulfill God’s purposes for you.
God doesn’t waste any hurt. But you have to say YES to his healing and restoration. There is no guarantee of how that will look or what the outcome will be, but it doesn’t matter. Your life is not your own. It belongs to the Lord, and you need to say yes to Him, no to yourself, and stop hiding. You may be a person broken beyond repair in most people’s eyes, but not in the Lord’s eyes. He still has plans for you (Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”).
Amy Carmichael discovered that the challenges and discomforts she faced in her early years were shaping her for the greater purpose of her later ministry as a missionary.
In her 20s, Amy moved into a rat-infested apartment in the slums of Manchester, England. The streets were dangerous, the conditions harsh, and life especially difficult for a young single woman. She had to adapt to the culture and systems of the slums in order to minister to the poor and share God’s love. This season of hardship was preparing her for what lay ahead.
At 26, Amy became a missionary, first in Japan and later in India. With their vastly different cultures and languages, both countries were incredibly challenging for her to adjust to. However, Amy realized that her time in England’s slums was God’s way of equipping her to endure and thrive in these difficult environments. It was through these experiences that she was strengthened for the work she was called to do.
We must do the same. Comfort is the killer of God’s purposes for us. He allowed things in your life to form you into the person you MUST be in order to fulfill the PURPOSE for which you were created.
Stop hiding. Stop avoiding. Start pursuing. Tell yourself NO and die to what you want. This year can be the year you have a breakthrough in every area, as Jesus promises:
“Listen carefully: Unless a grain of wheat is buried in the ground, dead to the world, it is never any more than a grain of wheat. But if it is buried, it sprouts and reproduces itself many times over. In the same way, anyone who holds on to life just as it is destroys that life. But if you let it go, reckless in your love, you’ll have it forever, real and eternal.” John 12:24-25 MSG
Go, girls!!! Let’s let go and be reckless in our love for HIM!
