I was heading to the register at Hobby Lobby after spending almost an hour wandering the aisles, looking at things I didn’t need. But honestly, who can resist a new heart-shaped hole punch or coffee stickers for my journal? Apparently, not me. 

I saw an older couple approaching the line; they looked like “snowbirds,” traveling from the cold, winter states to the Arizona sunshine, warming up their bones and joints each year.   As I stepped up to pay, a lady unknowingly cut right in front of me. Her husband noticed, called her back, and looked embarrassed. I assured them I was in no hurry and that it was no problem—after all, I had just spent an hour needlessly wandering around.

The woman was visibly distracted and stressed. They were in a heated conversation. She said, “I just don’t know what to do… I am so worried.” The man (I assume her husband) replied, “It is not our responsibility, she needs to face the consequences. She is an adult, and she needs to grow up.” The wife snapped back and said, “She has no siblings, she is all alone, SHE ONLY HAS US, her PARENTS, and it IS our responsibility!! And I will not do nothing!!” 

The man looked so sad and frustrated. His wife was determined to intervene in her adult child’s life and rescue her from whatever consequences she had gotten herself into.  

I sat in my car for a moment and prayed, I was sad for them. I had never really considered still being worried for my kids when they are grown adults. I had just imagined that once I raised them, they would go off independently on their own, and the worries of “raising kids” would be past me. Not true. These poor people were retired, older, supposed to be enjoying their later years, stressed out of their minds about their daughter, and trying to come up with solutions.  

And then I thought about how much I have wanted to rescue my kids from the consequences. How difficult it is to watch your children suffer, to be sad, to go through the result of their choices and actions. But how NEEDED and good for you that is.  

This adult daughter likely grew up shielded from consequences due to her mother’s constant protection and intervention. As a result, even now, as an adult, she struggles to navigate trials and hardships without her mother stepping in to rescue her. Maybe she relies on it, expects it, or waits for it.  

I recently found myself in a situation with my own child that put this theory to the test. I can’t go into detail for the sake of my kid, but I had to allow the decisions he made bring consequences, even if it meant severe suffering in his life. And it was one of the most difficult choices I had to stand by. But I KNEW rescuing him was not an option.  Gradually, he is learning how to overcome, and every day becoming stronger and better for it.

I stumbled upon a video by The Build Different Podcast a while back and wished I would have seen it 20 years ago. The interview is with Dr. Daniel Amen, Psychiatrist & Founder of Amen Clinics, and he says this: 

“We are raising mentally weak children because we overdo for them. One of the concepts in the book I really love is if you do too much for your children, you are increasing your self-esteem by stealing theirs. We develop mental toughness by solving problems. So, when my daughter would forget her homework at home, nobody’s bringing it to school. If she didn’t bring a jacket on a cold day, even though her mother told her to, nobody’s bringing her the jacket. It’s so important to, when a child says, I’m bored, rather than you fix it, just say, “I wonder what you’re going to do about it”, and then shut up! Let them begin to figure out their problems or the solutions to their problems, rather than being overly involved with them.” – Dr. Daniel Amen, Founder of Amen Clinics (The book he references I will post below, I have not read it.)

Well, that wraps up this blog post! Need I say more?? 🤣

Every time I solved my kids’ problems, shielded them from the consequences of their own choices and even the choices of others, entertained them to keep them from being bored, or ensured they never faced discomfort, I wasn’t helping them—I was hurting them. And if I’m honest, I did it for my own ego, convincing myself, “I’m a good mom because my kids are always happy and never struggle.”

But why is this thinking acceptable, MOMS? We are often labeled BAD moms if we do not come running to their rescue or every beck and call. I was in a mom’s group when my children were small, and it was absolutely frowned upon if you let your beloved child face adversity in any way. 🙄

This parenting style —it’s downright unbiblical. 

“⁷ As you endure this divine discipline, remember that God is treating you as his own children. Who ever heard of a child who is never disciplined by its father?… ¹⁰ For our earthly fathers disciplined us for a few years, doing the best they knew how. But God’s discipline is always good for us so that we might share in his holiness.” – Hebrews 12:7&10 NLT

Our Father, who loves us more than we can fathom, doesn’t operate this way. Why? Because He is perfect and knows it doesn’t work. Shielding children from struggle only weakens them, creating entitled, fragile, and helpless individuals with no resilience, no problem-solving skills, and no ability to stand strong in adversity.

I wish I could go back and do better—but I can’t. All I can do now is trust God with what I’ve done and surrender my children to Him as He continues to shape them.

I can, however, start today, even though they are all adults living on their own. Instead of rushing to their rescue, I can pray and intercede for them, love them, and encourage them to do what is right—while allowing them to face hard things and experience the consequences of their choices. Doing hard things can be painful but not harmful—they’re necessary. They build strength, character, and faith. And that is far more valuable than a life of comfort.

It’s time to stop the cycle. Allow them to struggle. Let’s parent with wisdom, not emotion.

If you don’t have kids, apply this to your own life and ministry. You are ahead of the game. 

God bless you, girls! Let’s BE and RAISE some CHAMPIONS!

BOOK REFERENCE: “Raising Mentally Strong Kids” by Daniel G Amen & Charles Fay