On Culture Apothecary, host Alex Clark and author Tilly Dillehay had one of the most honest conversations I’ve heard about marriage preparation and the single woman’s heart.
Tilly, pastor’s wife and author of My Dear Hemlock, said something that stuck with me:
“I think another thing that you can be doing is just preparing your heart for flexibility. Because you’re going to have a lot of opinions, and the longer you live single, the more opinions you’re going to develop about how things should be.”
— Tilly Dillehay, “How To Nag Less & Let Him Lead | Wife School With Tilly Dillehay”
(Released July 17, 2025 — Apple Podcasts).
That moment opened the door for Alex to share personally — how after years of singleness and a thriving career, she had formed strong habits and preferences.
“I know. I hate it,” Alex laughed. “If I could have gotten married at 20, I would have. It’s not like this was my plan. I just… know too much now. I have opinions about how my house should look, what laundry detergent to use — everything! So how do I meet a guy and actually let him lead after 30 years of learned behaviors?”
And that’s where so many single women can relate. The longer we walk independently, the more attached we get to our own way of doing things. But as Tilly pointed out, strength isn’t about controlling everything — it’s about having a heart that’s willing to bend when love requires it.
“It’s the mark of a strong person to be able to let someone else take the lead,” she said.
That’s not weakness — that’s maturity.
I remember the day I realized I had married a man 13 years older than me. Everything from his laundry to how he kept his side of the bedroom to how he drove… was different — and I wasn’t going to change him. Had I remained rigid in my way, I would have forsaken intimacy and peace. But when I chose to be flexible, I invited both into my marriage. It didn’t make me smaller — it made our connection stronger and brought far less stress and tension into our home.
So how do we practically begin to incorporate this into our single life now? Here are a few short thoughts…
1. God’s Plans Are Higher Than Ours
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. — Isaiah 55:8–9
A flexible heart says, “God, I trust Your story, even if it doesn’t match mine.”
Maybe you thought you’d be married by 25, like Alex once imagined. Maybe your timeline has stretched far beyond what you pictured. That’s okay, you are not behind. Flexibility is faith in action — trusting that His way is not delay, it’s divine design. I was married to the love of my life at 35. It’s not too late.
Faith says, “I’m open-handed.”
Control says, “It must look my way.”
2. A Soft Heart Prepares You for Partnership
“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you.” — Ezekiel 36:26
Marriage doesn’t make you flexible; it reveals whether you already are… and it exposes how flexible we AREN’T. Not just physically… 😜
A flexible single is one who practices humility now — who doesn’t always have to have the last word, or control every detail (Read that again).
That softness isn’t weakness; it’s strength in the Spirit.
3. God Uses Relationships to Refine Us
“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” — Proverbs 27:17
God uses people — family, friends, disciples, future spouses — to shape us. Flexibility means allowing that process instead of resisting it. When we loosen our grip on “my way,” we make space for God to teach us new ways.
“Learning to be a person who doesn’t always have to say your opinion,” Tilly said, “that’s strength.”
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” — Proverbs 3:5–6
Flexibility isn’t indecision — it’s surrender. It’s saying, “God, You can rearrange my plans, and I’ll still praise You.” Honoring God above SELF.
This was a hard one for me — I love a schedule. But was losing intimacy with my man worth my agenda? NOPE. Sometimes honoring God meant letting go of control so peace could enter the room.
Flexibility doesn’t erase boundaries or mean neglecting your own needs. Healthy love still includes rest, respect, and communication. But true maturity knows the difference between caring for yourself and clinging to yourself.
A woman who can pivot with peace is a woman who trusts deeply.
Flexibility is not lack of vision — it’s surrendering your vision to God’s revision.
5. A Flexible Spirit Makes Space for Growth
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition… rather, in humility value others above yourselves.” — Philippians 2:3–4
I had to recognize that I’m on a team — marriage isn’t The Annie Show. A flexible woman grows with others, not against them. She understands that love often means compromise — not in conviction, but in comfort. I only wish I’d wrapped my mind around that before marriage. Flexibility is what keeps relationships alive, learning, and growing.
Final Thought
You don’t have to be married to start preparing for marriage.
Begin now — practice adaptability in your routines and relationships, humility in your words, and gentleness in your expectations.
It’s not your way or the highway — it’s what honors God and strengthens the team.
A flexible mind doesn’t compromise values; it stays surrendered, teachable, and open to God’s unfolding plan.
Ill end with this powerful quote from a really cool guy that I know… 😍
“If I Change, EVERYTHING Changes.” – Rich Witmer
