IS FALLING IN LOVE ENOUGH??

“The worst Prison in the world is a home without peace. Be careful who you marry or fall in love with.”  – Unknown 

Did you know you can fall in love with someone that is NOT a suitable spouse?  Yes, it’s true ladies.  LOVE does not equal a GOOD MARRIAGE or GOD’S WILL.  

In other parts of the world such as India, parents find a spouse for you.  They accept applications, they interview potentials, they find a match that will be a suitable partner for you, taking into consideration your needs, likes, wants and desires.  

I think they are onto something there.  

Us Americans want to feel all the feels and try each other out, literally, before we make any real commitments.   Even “Christians” are moving in together to see if it will work before tying the knot.  Are they a good lover?  Can we pay the bills together?  Are we compatible?  We will get sick of one another? Let’s try it out and see how it goes before we make this a permanent commitment. 

So wise, according to the world.  So wrong, according to God.  Hebrews 13:4.  

How on earth can we make clear, unemotional decisions this way?  How can we hear God’s best if we are giving our hearts away to those who do not qualify for even a chance at our hearts??! 

And where does “TRUSTING GOD” come into play? That is being left out completely. 

So many Christians have the desire for a wonderful, godly, peaceful marriage, but the wisdom and careful steps required to find these qualities in a spouse are tossed out the window all in the name of “love”. 

I have felt the home without peace.  Let me tell you a little scenario, a glimpse of how it feels: 

Your stomach hurts all the time.  You avoid talking to one another, in fact you avoid any contact at all.  When you do communicate, it’s tension, it’s hurt, it’s anger.  

You are always upset; you are always on edge.  

You want to make things seem normal, so you go to dinner or the movies, and the feelings from home follow you there.  It’s all fake, you smile trying to get along, but inside you have turmoil. 

Your arguments and fights are pointless, you never come to a peaceful agreement.  You so badly want them to see your side, and they feel the same, you both are fighting for your rights.  

Your foundations are different.  No one is submitting to Jesus.  No one is forgiving.  No one is loving.  And no one is laying their life down for the other person.  And you are stuck there until what?  You either both submit to Jesus or call it quits.  

Sounds like fun, right? Not so much.  

This Instagram quote (no idea who originally said it): “The worst Prison in the world is a home without peace. Be careful who you marry or fall in love with.” 

It is accurate.  Living in a home with all of that is unbearable.  How do you avoid it?  

Both people must die to themselves.  Both people must be submitted to Jesus.  The Bible calls it ‘crucifying your flesh’… meaning, I live for what Jesus wants, HIS will, and not my own will.  

Ladies, you are tasked with doing this in your own life as a Christian, a disciple of Jesus.  And you are also tasked with finding a potential partner that lives this way himself. 

I know, I know.  It’s so easy to find that handsome Prince Charming that turns you on, tells you everything you want to hear, gives you the attention and love you so desperately need, 👉probably replacing love and filling voids that only the Lord can fill because you are not a healed person. 👈

(In which case, PLEASE refer to my post “Learning to Be an Individual”).   

You look past the fact that he probably doesn’t meet GOD’S requirements, but you just choose to ignore it hoping that one day he will come around.  And maybe he will.  But maybe he won’t.  And the chances that it derails all God has for you is much more likely.  

Doing it your way… has it worked out so far? 🤔 Why would you want to risk it with the second most important decision in your life (Jesus being the first)?

So how do you know if this is THE GUY?

Well for starters… BASIC 101:

1. BE SAVED. 
2. Attending church regularly
3. Living SAVED.  

If you don’t start there, you are in trouble.  Look around.  Divorce is everywhere.  Sadly, I am one of those statistics.  And what I am trying to do is prevent YOU from being one of those statistics.  

Check this out… 

The overall divorce rate is 33%.  For those who were active in their church, the divorce rate was 27-50 percent LOWER than non-church goers.   HOWEVER, people who call themselves “Christians” but do not actively engage with the faith are 20% MORE likely than the general population to get divorced!  (Study Statistics from Harvard-trained social researcher and author Shaunti Feldhahn and George Barna.) 

STOP.  WHY?? We can think of many reasons, but one comes to mind for me… “Mark 3:25 (ESV) “And if a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand.” (This notion is to convey that when a house (or a kingdom) is fighting against itself, it can’t prosper or overcome the battle. Any victories only lead to losses and nothing good can come from it. – M.H.C.)

WE HAVE TO BE CAREFUL WHO WE MARRY OR FALL IN LOVE WITH.  

Looking back, I would have done things differently.  It would have saved me from so much suffering, and worse, MY CHILDREN from so much suffering.  I put together this list of my personal preferences in what I want in a spouse.  I am living my calling, so I need this kind of partner, to lead me in this way of life: 

Ask yourself, and others who can counsel you, these questions: 

1. Is he submitted to a church, pastor, and or leader?  If he is always finding ways around it, he probably is not submitted to God either.  Hebrews 13:17; 1 Peter 5:5 
2. Is he a hard worker, and currently working? If not, HUGE RED FLAG. Proverbs 10:4-5; Prob. 28:19-20; Romans 12:11-12 
3. Is he a giver, tither, a generous person? (Not just to you… that doesn’t count) 1 John 3:17; Psalm 112:5 
4. Does he know how to renew his mind according to the Word of God? WATCH HIM DO IT.  Not just agree with it. Romans 12:1-2; James 1:22 
5. How does he receive discipleship?  Correction?  Help from others?  How is his humility? Proverbs 12:1; Proverbs 15:32; 1 Peter 5:5 
6. Does he have a devotional life? A personal relationship with Jesus? John 14:23; Isaiah 40:31 
7. Does he love people? How? Romans 12:9-10; James 2:14-17 
8. Is he honest? About himself?  His past, his mistakes, his failures? 2 Tim. 2:15; James 1:26; Proverbs 10:9
9. Is he able to stand firm in his convictions or is he a pushover? With you or others?  Revelation 21:8; 1 Corinthians 6:9 KJV

I know that’s a hefty list, but those are the questions I would have wanted as a single person.  As I reflect on my marriage to Rich, I am so thankful for these things in him.  When we fight, and argue, it’s with the goal of both of us changing and becoming more Christ-like.  No one is trying to win.  We are trying to love and understand each other better.  I can TRUST his foundation.  And he can TRUST mine!  We both trust each other to do what is right, what the Bible says, not just to be right ourselves.  

To not consider these things in your future spouse is marital suicide.  Marriage is hard doing it the right way, with the most perfect spouse.  But we are all imperfect people.  Each of us will wound, hurt, betray, and harm one another. Having this foundation is key in making sure you conquer each trial and grow closer with each hardship.  Dismissing these foundational keys will ensure a rough and most painful road.  

I love you.  I want you to thrive with the man God has for you.  Don’t rush to find him.  Be patient and wait for God’s best.  Meet people, but don’t entangle your heart with them.  Let them show you who they are FIRST.  

I am praying for you!! God’s grace be with you as you are on this journey!!