Are You A Trash Talking Wife?  

Have you ever bad-mouthed your spouse in front of someone? Maybe complained about them a little or put them down? For example, I was with a group of acquaintances a few weeks ago, and one of the wives was telling everyone how she had the “balls” in the relationship (sorry for being crude, but the conversation was that shocking) and that her husband was a “wussy .”Her husband looked down and shook his head in agreement🥺. And then she did it 3-4 more times. 

I looked at Rich in amazement that she was talking to everyone about her husband in this way. And he was just accepting it. Afterward, I asked Rich about it, and he said, “The wife has low self-esteem and is ashamed of her husband. That man is defeated in every way and has given in to his wife’s rule. He has low self-esteem and feels just as pathetic as she accuses him of being.”

I was so sad for him. I was reflecting on my attitude and conversations I have had about Rich. Had I done that before? Had I allowed my frustrations at home to seep into my conversations with close friends? Had I subtly put my husband down or spoken negatively about him to others? I think I have. Never meaning harm, never INTENTIONALLY, maybe just in passing, but even that is unacceptable. 😔  

Proverbs 31:11-12 NLT “Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.”

My husband should have FULL confidence that I am on his team. He shouldn’t question it or wonder.  

God put me together with him to be HIS HELPER. I came from his rib; imagine if his rib turned against him, hurting and sabotaging him! So silly to think about, but that is how ridiculous it is when we take an opposing side against our man.  

1 Timothy 3:11 (NIV) “In the same way, the women are to be worthy of respect, not malicious talkers but temperate and trustworthy in everything.”

Let’s look at the word MALICIOUS: intending or intended to do harm, SPITEFUL, HOSTILE, BITTER, VENOMOUS, POISONOUS

When you listen to how you speak, you can identify what is in your own heart. Any bitterness, offense, or unforgiveness will surely come out as you talk about your husband to others.  

You may not intend to harm your husband, but is what you say trustworthy? Can he trust you with his reputation? With his heart? Subtle, small comments can cause more damage than we ever intended.  

Let’s discuss why this habit of husband bashing needs to be kicked to the curb (which also means REPENTED OF AND STOPPED, but I was being nice for a second😅). 

1. You will find what you are looking for. It is amazing how you will absolutely find what you are focused on. If you always expect and look for the negative, guess what? That is all you will see. That is what you will get.

• It affects YOU because a root and seed of bitterness will begin to grow in your heart. Small, subtle comments against your husband will turn into more. What starts as a joke about him will become an argument you have allowed to take root. Your negative mind will never give you a positive outcome or life.
• If your husband was on the lookout for all the negative things about you, how would you survive? You might not. The damage would be severe.

2. You will sabotage their self-esteem.

• When I witnessed this with our friends, I saw the hurt and rejection in the husband’s eyes. I don’t know why, but at that moment, I understood the damage we can do as wives more clearly than ever. The enemy was attacking his self-esteem, and the enemy was using his wife to do it.

• J.R. Holland puts it perfectly: 

“Life is tough enough without the person who is supposed to love you, leading the assault on your self-esteem, your sense of dignity, your confidence, and your joy. In this person’s care, you deserve to feel physically safe and emotionally secure.

• Our job is to uplift, encourage, cheer on, intercede, and pray for our soul mates. Let’s ensure our mouths are not sabotaging what we are trying to build.  

3. It leads to division in your marriage, not unity.

• Are you on the same team? Or are you on the opposing team? Don’t attack your own team, your home base. If you do, you might not have a “home team” to come home to one day!  

• We see each other at our worst and love one another regardless. Rich has covered me countless times when I have not deserved it. We have grace for one another. We believe in the best for one another. He sees my weaknesses and prays for me. He sees my strengths and encourages me to develop them. I am honored I get to be the one to do that for him as well. Our love is deep because we have finally figured this out most days lol… Praise the Lord.😅

4. It is contagious.  

Have you experienced how easy it is to start gossiping with women? As soon as someone breaks the atmosphere with negative words, the whole dam breaks and floods the room with trash talk. Husbands can quickly become the victims of this horrible scene.  

I came across this acronym (by Becca @ Dating Divas) that I find helpful when deciding if I should say something or not (aka venting, and typically it’s a big fat no, lol).

THINK before you vent: 

THINK: True? Helpful? Inspiring? Necessary? Kind? 

Is what’s bothering you really important? If it’s not, let it go. However, if it is essential, talk to your spouse about it! This is always the BEST option that you would learn how to communicate together. And if you feel like you can’t address it with your spouse, seek a trusted friend or professional counselor who will SUPPORT your marriage.  Not take sides.  ****Ahhheemmm… that is KEY!

5. It affects your children, family, and friends.

• NEVER, ever vent to your mother about your spouse. Unfortunately, no matter how close you are to your mom, this option is NOT an option. WHY? Because you will forgive and move on. And your momma, your “mother bear,” will hold that grudge and find it hard to forgive for years. It is never a good idea to share too much with her. Let her have your place as your mom, loving you and your husband, and being a grandma to your children. Not your counselor.  

• When children hear hurtful things said about one of their parents, it places an emotional burden on them they are forced to carry and do not know how. That burden leads to negative consequences like insecurities, anxiety, stress, anger, and grief. They will be confused, worried, and uneasy with their home life. The turmoil this creates is often something the child does not know how to handle. 

My former husband was a victim of this. His mom always said the most horrible things to him about his dad during their marriage and after their divorce. It caused so much damage and resentment in his heart. His relationship with his mother is still estranged to this day.  

Here’s a great marriage tip Rich learned from an older lady playing Blackjack in Vegas… 🤣

She was on her 4th marriage; her husband was on his 5th. She said, “I know if I disrespect my husband, he has no issues walking. He knows I know how to leave if he doesn’t treat me right.  We give each other a reason to stay every single day.” 

What incredible advice!! As Christians, we often assume our spouse “can’t leave” because we are ‘Christians.’ But they absolutely can. Marriage takes work! Both people give 100%.  

Let’s give our husbands a reason to stay every day and always speak life over them and our home!

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OTHER RESOURCES & LINKS:  

E230: Gossip & Gossipers By Warriors & Wildmen 

E230: Gossip & Gossipers

Destiny Church: The Power of Words Series by Ps. Rich Witmer 

WATCH HERE: https://destiny.subspla.sh/c53633e