Sex Before Marriage?  What’s the Big Deal?

I was recently talking with a friend from back home in Montana. She has found herself right in the middle of the dating world. She’s in her early 30s, looks great, has a successful career, and has a ministry of her own. Looking at her life, it seems like the only thing she could possibly be missing is a man!  

Don’t get me wrong; she ALSO is on the lookout for Mr. Right. But she has definitely hit some unfortunate bumps in the road.  

She told me how discouraged she was. She thinks she has found a nice, Christian guy who goes to church and seems to live a godly life, only to find out that if she doesn’t sleep with them, they just aren’t interested.  

She said, “They don’t respect my boundaries. They get offended if you don’t have sex with them.” 

And I could hear the pain that comes with all of that in her voice.  

“So what you’re saying is, if I don’t have sex with you, I am not worth your time or a relationship? Don’t you like me for ME? My worth to you is based on sex? I am not allowed to have boundaries to MY OWN BODY without you being offended??” 

Then she tells me how guys will argue with her that it’s NOT wrong to have sex outside of marriage and that that isn’t in the Bible. 

Hold up. You don’t get to argue your way into my pants. Get out of here with that. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? 

With a single Google search, you can pull up 50 articles about how it’s okay to have premarital sex and that God never says otherwise…. But you can also find those arguments favoring homosexuality, feminism, or not tithing! You can always find exactly what you are looking for.  

Most people, including “Christians”, believe that in order to find the perfect mate, you must see if you are sexually compatible before locking into a marriage. Well, research proves that is a myth… check this out: 

Researchers found that those who wait to have sex until marriage, compared to those who don’t, report significantly higher relationship satisfaction (20%), better communication patterns (12%), less consideration of divorce (22%), and BETTER sexual quality (15%). 

So, the idea that “practice makes perfect” regarding sexual intimacy happens to be backwards unless it’s all with the same person you’re married to. Likewise, sex while dating can sometimes be thought of as an important way to test if a couple are compatible and whether the relationship can stand the test of time, another assumption that appears disproven by the data. In summary, the longer a dating couple waits to have sex, the better their relationship is after marriage.

Another study found that rapid sexual involvement has adverse long-term implications for relationship quality.The researchers’ analyses also suggest that delaying sexual involvement is associated with higher relationship quality across several dimensions.

So why is this? Why might sexual restraint be more beneficial for couples than premarital sex? 

The evidence appears to point to two reasons, intentional partner selection and sexual symbolism.  

1. Proper partner selection becomes difficult when you receive the strong and immediate chemical (see bonding above), emotional, and relational benefits of sexual intercourse. 👉Those rewards cause a person to overlook and deny deeper, possible incompatibilities in the relationship. Most of us have experienced the “honeymoon” phase of a relationship; we see the other with rose colored glasses, which makes it difficult to see them with an honest perspective. “Early sex creates a sort of counterfeit intimacy that makes two people think they are closer to each other than they really are.” 😳😱😱😱
2. Sexual symbolism: anyone who engages in regular sex with the same person will tell you that most of their relationship involves hanging out with friends, rearranging the furniture, going to the movies, cooking dinner, etc. Sure, sex is happening, but statistically occupies very little of your time, even if it’s happening every day.👉 If the only thing that draws you to the person is sex, then you don’t have an actual relationship and certainly not one able to survive the test of time, i.e. real life problems.

–       The Well Clinic: The Science of Sex Before Marriage by Dr. Andrew Magers 

Girls, God designed sex the way He did for a reason. He isn’t trying to TRICK us or sabotage us. When two people love each other and are united in marriage, you can learn and grow sexually together and CREATE an incredible sex life. That is God’s plan.  

Our culture is ABSORBED in sex. It’s not seen as sacred anymore. It’s not special. We give it away without the promise of a relationship, commitment, or afterthought. It is normal to have sex, wake up and walk away as if you had never met. Or to try people out… to see if you are a good “fit” sexually.  

And sadly, Christians are rarely better. Many explain away God’s Word as being outdated, old-fashioned, or misunderstood.  

“By not having sex before marriage, you are insisting on your right to take these things seriously, when many around you do not seem to. By reserving a part of you for someone else, you are insisting on your right to keep something sacred.” Wendy Shalit, Conservative Author

OUR BODIES ARE SACRED. They are VALUABLE. Just because sex and naked people are littering our culture doesn’t mean YOU are less valuable. You are REAL, a person; you are unique, desirable, and created for God’s purposes. THAT is not common. That is rare. And YOU are a rare treasure that SOMEONE is seeking.

Mike Pantile, Life Coach focusing on mentoring men to be GODLY, says, “Sleeping around does not serve you. It harms you, cheapens your worth and impacts your ability to find a good husband in the future.”  

And he is SO RIGHT.  

Sex before REAL commitment skips so many necessary steps in a relationship. SEX is RESERVED for a married man and a woman who have gone through the steps necessary to build intimacy apart from sex before marriage. Their commitment to one another has been PROVEN, EARNED, and built on TRUST.  

How can you skip that?!! How can you sleep with someone and KNOW who they are by skipping those steps?? It’s nearly impossible.  

Here are some solid Bible verses on the matter… not sure how they can be avoided or dismissed… 😅

 “Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.” 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 KJV

“Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.” Colossians 3:5ESV

“Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 ESV

19 Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality,20 idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, 21 envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.” Galatians 5:19-21

Now let’s talk about you… because the problem isn’t just MEN, I promise you.  

Matthew 16:24 says, “Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.”

If YOU are unwilling to follow Jesus, deny your flesh, and pursue godliness, how can you expect a potential husband to do the same?  

A desire for sex?? Oh yes. We have it. Some of us have been given an “extra dose,” it seems. And if you don’t have a desire, get around a guy you like, and YOU WILL. Guess what? That’s normal. It’s healthy. God created you with those desires and hormones. They are a gift (thank you, Jesus, I’ll take it!). 

Oh, and NEWS FLASH… these desires after your marriage are STILL required to be controlled by the Holy Spirit. That doesn’t GO AWAY. Why do you think so many marriages suffer from affairs? Zero self-control. 

Our desires must continually be under the control of the Holy Spirit. Example: FOOD… if you give into your every desire and craving, you will be extremely obese and unhealthy in no time! We have to choose. Will we honor God with our desires and trust Him, or choose our own way instead? 

Proverb 16:26 says, “The appetite of laborers works for them; their hunger drives them on.” 

Sometimes, instead of letting our desires drive us to do good things, we settle for things that aren’t good to satisfy our desires NOW. (How many of my girlies are impatient? Careful! This will cost you!) 

Being a Christ follower means our fleshly desires don’t guide us, and we can trust the Lord with the wait.  

Anything outside of God’s plan is not worth it. If you have messed up, the most amazing thing is that Jesus’ Blood can wash over you, cleanse you, and make you NEW. After repentance, you can walk forward, guilt-free, empowered by the Holy Spirit to change and be who God has called you to be. By His grace, you can be firm in your boundaries and find the man who is also strong in his.  

Your body is a treasure. It is sacred. SEX is sacred. Even prostitutes know their bodies have value… think about that.  

Here is a WARNING: This decision to honor God will cost you, it will require difficult choices, it may end relationships, it may expose the worst in people… but who are we aiming to please? 

Settle it in your heart that you will honor the LORD. And guess what? He will honor your decisions back. He will see you and reward you for your faithfulness. He is gracious, loving, and kind and will care for you. YOU ARE His precious daughter. You can DO IT!! 

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The Well Clinic: The Science of Sex Before Marriage by Dr. Andrew Magers 

https://mywellclinic.com/blog/2020/02/20/science-sex-marriage/

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