LIPSTICK ON A PIG: Fake Peace

My husband and I ain’t scared of conflict. 

I married a brute of a man… and if we are going to be honest, he married a brute of a woman💁‍♀️.

YOU LOOKIN AT ME CROSS?? You got a problem?? You got something to say?? BRING IT ON. Get it out! Let’s get it out on the table! No one gets to wait days or weeks to bring up an issue you have; say it, or get over it.  

Now, this approach doesn’t work for everyone😅. And maybe it would be traumatic for some to experience🫠… joking, although it can be intense.  

But for us, it works. The bottom line is we want NOTHING between us. There is no faking peace here. There is no pretending it’s all good. If one of us is not good, WE aren’t good. If one of us has a problem, WE have a problem. And we will not settle for anything other than complete peace between us. We just can’t function in pretend mode. 

Families like Fake Peace. It’s easier for them. 

Let’s pretend it’s all normal. Let’s pretend it’s all fine. Let’s go to family gatherings and pretend its all peachy. Let’s ignore the issues. Let’s tip-toe around bad tempers and call it “keeping the peace.” 

Let’s try not to upset or offend anyone and call it “keeping the peace.” 

Let’s try not to do or say what the other person doesn’t like so they don’t get mad at us, upsetting the “peace.” 

My husband tells me that if I need to say something to him, and I do it respectfully, but it makes him mad… that is HIS problem, not mine. I don’t avoid things because it “might make him mad”. That is a dysfunctional way to live. 

Families stay busy and preoccupied with everything that distracts them from the issues. Oh, the kid’s soccer practice, piano lessons, homework, schedules, church meetings, holiday get-togethers, chores and cleaning, deep diving into hobbies or projects… everything is fine here! 

Just don’t look past the first layer. 

Have you heard of the “fight or flight” response? I’m sure you have. When it comes to healthy relationships, it’s imperative we learn how to face reality and do some work. 

Taking “flight” every time there is a conflict will lead you down a path of guaranteed disaster. 

The bible talks about dressing up a pig. 

Proverbs 11:22 “Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman without discretion.” This proverb has been modified over the years to say when you put lipstick on a pig, it’s still just a pig, but the wisdom remains.

I’ve raised pigs. They are disgusting creatures. My 350-pound Penelope would not be any better smelling or looking if I had dressed her up with lipstick and a cute hat; she would still be the same ole’ giant, mean, stinky pig that ate all of our edible trash. 

You can only avoid conflict for so long, dressing it up to appear OK or even great. And while you are avoiding it, it’s beneath the surface, festering and rotting away in the hearts and minds of all involved. 

Keeping the peace by avoiding conflict results in deeper and bigger conflicts. You mold together a fake peace that slowly causes a war — usually with yourself and others you love. 

I do not like conflict. But I’ve learned to embrace it. 

I do not enjoy heated arguments, but I have learned that the results of getting to the core and finding solutions make conflict worth it. 

I do not enjoy confronting others, making them mad or sad, or possibly risking the relationship altogether. But pretending it’s all good hurts all parties involved much worse than you confronting the problem and being a promoter of right and change. 

I have been in a place where I just wanted to ignore the trauma, drama, messed up situations, and broken relationships, and I would do anything to keep myself distracted. I would work endless hours or find projects to keep me busy. I would keep myself distracted with other relationships, even if it meant being attached to my children in an unhealthy way, using them as an escape. 

That may be a way to cope temporarily, but it is not a way to live. Recognizing areas in your life that you are in denial about, avoiding or running from is the first step to stopping the vicious cycle.

If you understand that you are a person who desperately wants to deny, pretend, or push through life without dealing with the problems, you are in danger of derailing your life. 

Zoom waaaaaay out. What will this problem be in one year, five years, or 15 years if you refuse to deal? 

What does changing look like? It could mean YOU changing your response to conflict. Instead of FLIGHT, learn new ways of dealing with things by reading a book on the subject or creating a team within the relationship to help you confront and approach things without fear. 

It could mean you need to talk to someone! Getting professional personal or couples counseling will give you the necessary tools to move forward. 

It also could mean a mediator between you and another person. A go-between can keep things calm and bring clarity. 

Refrain from allowing yourself the luxury of escape. Sure, a temporary cool-off is normal, but it cannot be your habitual way of dealing with life. You cannot put lipstick on the gigantic PIG in your life and pretend it looks good. 

HEALTHY responses save relationships, build trust, and grow REAL peace. Not fake peace. Families are living in complete and total denial about the realities of what is happening within. Those families will implode because fake peace is no peace at all. 

Jesus, the one who promised us His peace (John 14:27), also talks about the struggle: “Do you think that I have come to bring peace to the earth? No, I tell you, but rather division!” (Luke 12:51). Refusing to settle for false peace brings to light divisions that are typically covered up. 

Jane Addams says, “Peace is not merely the absence of war, but the presence of justice.” 

Ignoring the wrong things, sin, evil, and dysfunction in our lives, our families, and among our friends is NOT what Jesus commands (Galatians 6:1, Matthew 18:15, Luke 17:3, James 5:19-20). In fact, it is ALSO sin.  

Being able to confront the demons in our own lives and in the lives of those we are responsible for is our duty.  

James 4:17 ESV: “So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.”

Don’t FAKE PEACE. Allow the true peace of our Lord Jesus to settle in your heart no matter what you face. By His grace, I pray the Holy Spirit will give you the conviction, courage, and wisdom to walk forward without fear, dealing with whatever life may bring you.

Go, girls… let’s fight the urge to put lipstick on our pigs!